Don’t Startle Dave

It all started simply enough…

Innocently enough.

Age has come upon me.

Like an unfriendly stranger


Yeah, I finally asked Christy to make me an appointment at the eye doctor because I can’t read my phone.  And that’s where the adventure begins.


I went to the optometrist today, filled out my paperwork, went through getting the eye insurance figured all out because I wasn’t coming up in the system, but course come up every time they take the money out of my check eh? And finally it is time to go back for my exam.

I follow the lady back there and she starts off with the one machine to see if my eyes focus and pupils dilate and all that, you know making sure there is nothing obviously wrong with me.

So we switch to the second machine, and I’m looking into the little light and there is a noise and a puff of air hits my eye.

It scared me because I didn’t know it was coming and it had been years since I’d had an exam.

So I farted.

In self defense!

The lady didn’t say a word and just continued on with the other eye, but I can kinda read her mind because she’s looking right at me and obviously wrestling with warring instincts of professionalism and revulsion.

She’s keeping her distance now and we leave that room and go to another room where she gives me some other exam and then leaves. Now I’m waiting for the doctor.  When the doctor comes in he’s keeping his distance.  I can only imagine the discussion they had in the interim of my waiting for their switch off, kinda like “hey watch him he’s had beans or something” “his eyes are screwed up but his lower intestine is fine”

He was professional and polite but I see him giving me the same look the lady gave me, he stayed off to the side, never directly in front of me and all that. The exam went it’s course and we discussed what kind of glasses I was going to need, but I felt like there was a tension in the room one could say a tension in the air, but not quite.  I think he was afraid I was going to fart again.

I am happy to report that my distance eyesight is fine as well as my belly however I need reading glasses and for my wife not to feed me refried beans the night before I have to go in next time.


Drop A Polite Line :-)

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